


After Love

by KerrySlade



Category: Carmilla (Web Series), Carmilla - All Media Types
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/F, in between scenes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-10
Updated: 2016-10-10
Packaged: 2018-08-20 12:52:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8249770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KerrySlade/pseuds/KerrySlade
Summary: Takes place after S3 Ep 22.  (You know the one).  My first shot at fanfiction.  Had to write it after noticing the gap between when Laura says I love you to Carm and then they both disappear offscreen while Mattie talks to mother.  Just imagining what their convo would be like.





	

'I love you'. When was the last time someone said that to you and meant it? Ell had always hinted around that she loved you but never actually came out and said it. Lovers had whispered declarations of love to you through the years over sighs and moans, but that was lust, not love. In your 300+ years had anyone really loved you? 

Maman said she loved you, and in her own twisted way you suppose she did. Mattie loved you, you are certain of that one...but that's all some different kind of love. This is a love that devours, that consumes. A love that blinds you to every fact and reality, that makes you think that maybe a centuries old vampire can be redeemed. This love you know will swallow you whole and spit you out. You can't think of a better torture or sacrifice. This love has filled your dark little heart full of life and happiness where before there was only hate and guilt. She did this. She did this with a toss of her hair and a smile on her lips. How could this happen? This 19-year-old, idealistic, headstrong, impossible girl has just unraveled you completely. 

When you think about the first time you met you can't help but smile. From the moment you laid eyes on her you were hooked. Golden and beautiful was your Laura; that blond hair, those dark eyes just lined you up for your own undoing. If you're honest though, it was her impertinence that really got you. The Creampuff just refused to back down to anyone or anything getting in her way, supernatural baddies be damned. It was something you both shared, a love of rebelling, of not backing down.

You had so much fun early on ruffling her feathers. It was cruel of you for sure, being a slob and annoying her to pieces. You just couldn't help yourself though. She was at her most adorable when she was frustrated. Then she had to go and say you deserved better, and that had just blown your world apart. She opened up a hole that you hadn't realized was there and filled it with love and hope.

Frowning, you realize how far you both had come in the last year. You went from being completely head over heels for her, to wishing you had the guts to rip her throat out. You should have, you know you should have. She caused Mattie's death. Mattie, the one person that truly loved you, that had protected you and stuck by your side after all those years. Mattie who helped you through your darkest times after coming out of that coffin. Who had taught you how to be yourself again, how to exist again. You still couldn't hurt your Laura though, ever. Even grabbing her when she stepped between you and Xena had crushed you. You'd hurt her when you grabbed her, and had spent weeks regretting it. It stung even now. You'd vowed to never hurt her like that again.

When she begged for your help afterward and you pushed her aside, you were cruel and heartless, you hoped that would finally put the nail in the coffin of your relationship. There would be no way she could forgive you after that. Then Danny died for your mistake and you were certain that would crush what was left of how she felt about you. Kneeling at her feet with the sword at your neck you thought what a fitting end for you that really was. You accepted it..if you were going to die, let it be at the feet of your maiden fair. 

Then the little overachiever went and crushed the Silas charter for you, shattering everything you thought you knew about her feelings for you. Actions speak so much louder than words. You had been a lover of words since you learned to read, but this was different. An ocean of words could not mean more than that one action. You told yourself it wasn't what you thought, that there was no way she truly loved you. How could anyone so pure and good love someone like you? Someone that had done the things you have done. 

Now she's gone and said all the things out loud that you've been wanting so desperately to hear. She has no idea what dark corner of your soul she's exposed. You wanted this, you NEEDED this so much it hurts. You still feel like a live-wire since she said it to you, exposed and arching electricity everywhere. You keep playing her words over and over in your head, trying to find some hidden deception, some hidden lie. “It is like the axis that my world turns on,” keeps playing in your head over and over. My god, you are so demolished. Could there ever be a more delicious ruination? 

She's creeping down the hallway after you. You can feel the uncertainty in her movements, she's hesitant. When Mattie asked for a moment with Mother, you bolted. You ran into the stacks in no particular direction, stopping when you felt you were far enough away. You laugh at yourself when you realize you've stopped in the nook that she's claimed for herself. Her smell is so powerful here it makes your heart hurt. There's a tangle of cushions and blankets in the corner where she sleeps. You've found yourself a great many nights watching her there; terrified that if you take your eyes off of her too long, she'll disappear. When she's off with Laf during the day you have taken to sleeping here in her spot, buried in the smell of her. You know she knows, the covers now smell like a combination of the two of you, but she hasn't said a single word about it. 

You know she can't see much of anything back here, the lights yet again are not cooperating. You can tell she's desperate to find you, but also terrified that you don't want her to find you. You can hear her heart bursting out of her chest. God that sound drives you nuts. You could pick her heartbeat out of a thousand because she is yours. 

“Carm?” You can hear the question in her voice, so much more meaning than just your name in that one word. 

“I'm here,” you manage to choke out. Swallowing down the emotions that are threatening to take you over entirely. You wipe at the tears that have pooled under your eyes. 'I'm worse than the vampires that glitter', you think to yourself. 

When she rounds the corner you can see her hesitate, even in the dark she shines out to you like the sun. 

“Hey.” She's trying to be casual about this as possible, even though she just laid her heart open on the table for you. There's a vulnerability there to her that you've never seen before. You smile as she seems to be having a problem figuring out what to do with her hands, crossing them and uncrossing them. She's nervous, you realize, and it just makes you glow at the thought. 

“Hey.” You say back in your perfect non-committal tone. You shouldn't be leaving her on the hook like this you know, but it's just so damn fun to watch her squirm. 

“So should we really leave Mattie and your mother alone like that? Mattie can't really do much to stop her, being all incorporeal and all.” She laughs at her own joke and then swallows it realizing what she's just said. 

“Eh, the Mad-Scientist rigged the whole room up with sensors, if Maman moves we'll know immediately.” Plus, you can hear everything happening in that room, you'll react before the sensors can. 

“Right. So you going on a blood run? It's been a while for you I know. Since we captured your mother I know your supply is low.“ She offers it up too easily, and you realize she's giving you an out, a way not to talk about what just happened. She knows that you need time and space to figure out what you want to say and how you want to respond to her declaration of love, even though it's killing her to not ask how you feel. 

It takes your breath away, how selfless that is. You realize for the first time that this is what love is. Not some dark and twisted thing, but forgiveness, understanding, and care. To truly love someone else, you have to be selfless, you have to be willing to lay it all on the line and risk having them not love you back.

“Nahh, I think Mother is baiting Mattie. I don't want to leave them that long.” She's nodding, still trying to be super-cool about this, but failing completely. As always, that heart of hers gives her away still pounding away in her chest. 

Without thinking you close the distance between you both and kiss her as she gasps. Cheating, for sure, since she couldn't actually see you move. What starts off as a crushing kiss, turns into something slow and delicate. You take your time, you are in no rush to leave her. Capturing her lips and claiming them for your own, you moan as you feel her hands twisting and raveling in your hair. As you pull away, you say, “I'll be back, and we'll talk,” and just as quickly you disappear into the darkness. You pause a few feet away, behind a few stacks, curious as to what she'll do next. She exhales out a huge breath, and you can hear her whisper, “get it together Hollis, she'll say it when she's ready.” She turns and walks back toward the vending machines. Happy that she's headed further away from Maman and Mattie, you turn and head back towards the lionesses den.


End file.
